My World and Welcome to It
The Hollywood Freeway is just the BQE
only they chopped up the hills instead of Greenpoint
and the Laurel Canyon Pass is the Midtown Tunnel
except you don't pay a toll when you hit Ventura Blvd,
so North Hollywood out to Van Nuys is Queens
and Sherman Oaks is Forest Hills.
Only don't think the 101 is the LIE
because the first thing you learn is the 405 is the LIE.
The second thing you learn is something you always knew:
You never take the LIE unless you absolutely have to
and you never absolutely have to take the LIE.
The rest of the Valley out past Woodland Hills is Nassau County
so Ventura is Suffolk except I've never been there
but don't worry - I'm sure it's Suffolk - all the cops live there.
Oh but the Hamptons aren't there
but one day they'll discover the Hamptons
aren't really in Suffolk anyway.
Now if you need me to tell you this
you don't need to know
but the Hamptons are in Palm Springs,
except in the middle of the summer
they move them to Santa Barbara.
Okay. Orange County is Connecticut --
never go there unless you're getting paid.
You don't even have to drive through it;
not even to get to Boston
since I think that's in San Francisco.
Well, maybe not --
but who really cares about either one of those towns?
Downtown L.A. is Wall Street --
nobody I know goes to either one of those places.
The bad news is we haven't got pizza and we haven't got subways
but the good news is we have burritos and we haven't got subways
plus the cab drivers are kind of nice since no one needs them
and after awhile you realize burritos are pizza
so the dumpier the place the better the slice
except it's the opposite of New York
so the free-standing buildings have the best burritos.
Now the weird part is they put most of the poor people
like sixteen miles away instead of sixteen blocks.
They're over in East L.A., South Central,
and even way out in places like Pocoima
so like if you don't want to think about them
you sort of don't have to except you sort of do
especially if you're gonna watch the news
or if you get a car with untinted windows
or like if there's an earthquake or a riot.
Of course, there's nothing here or anywhere
like the Verrazano Narrows Bridge
but then there's nothing here or anywhere
that's like New Jersey
plus LA has billboards for Angelyne
and where else can you find that?
Okay, I think that's it.
You're all set for L.A.
unless maybe you're not from N.Y.
but then everyone who comes to L.A.
should come from New York anyway, right?
So if you're from someplace else
and thinking of coming to L.A.
my advice to you is move to New York first.
Then move to L.A. once you understand.
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